Meta-fiction: Being an idol member

Dear Diary.....

Weather: Sunny

Date: October 30th, Sat

Title: Two roads

           There are four types of people: people whose interest and talent match, those who aren't good at their interest, those who don't have any interest, and lastly, those who have neither interest and talent. Third and fourth type of people are rare. Rather, most people are second type of people, which is very tragic. They have a passion, but still, they are not good at it. They put a lot of efforts on that, but it is such a pain. At that moment, people should choose the road they'd take in the future: the road according to their talent or to their interest?

           In my case, I chose to walk along the road of my interest: an entertainer.

           Yes, an entertainer is what people call 'showbiz'. People would imagine a bunch of girls in a mini skirt, dancing, singing just one or two verses for each. A lot of people think those 'dolls' are just for catching people's attention, and after all, money.

           I cannot deny that idol groups are pristine from money or dirty gossips. However, still, idol members can freely dance and sing. That is fascinating enough for me.
          So I am the idol trainee in SHS Entertainment. I have been trained for more than 3 years. Although my nickname in the company is 'Beta', for being second-best in everything, I’m working hard for the dream that is vague and beautiful as a mist: standing on the stage as a 'Alpha'. 

           Yesterday, on the dance-practicing room, I found a diary which is old and rusty. Seemed like the diary was abandoned for more than 3-4 years. It didn't have any name.

           For some moment, I felt guilty about looking at the diary. But my curiosity pressed that hesitation, pushing me to open it up.

           Being a member of the idol is such a hard task. Some might argue that idol members only have to dance, sing, and practice a big smile to the crowds. Well? That’s true. I practice wave dancing, natural vibrations and high notes while singing, all that kind of stuff. And I definitely prefer doing that, rather than just dozing off in history class.

           But imagine standing on the stage where numerous eyes coldly evaluate EVERYTHING. They are not only interested in my dance, my song, and my big smile. Rather, they are interested in finding out what I did wrong in the past. One day, my boss grabbed my wrist so hardly and brought me into his room. He suddenly yelled at me and asked what I did in the first year in high school. I couldn’t answer. He abruptly threw the newspaper of that day. On the gossip section, there was an enormous picture of a young girl with a thick makeup taking a motorcycle with several boys. The girl with the cigarette fixed in the mouth had a name tag, ‘Soho’.

           Oh my god….Busted. What should I do?

           I was dumbfounded. Yes, it is true that my high school years weren’t something that anyone would call smooth and clean. I lived my high school life as a ‘free soul’, to define it. But why should anyone care?

           My boss thought differently of this issue. He told me to stop keeping contact with my high school friends and tell them to not to tell anyone they were ever friends with me. How could he demand such a thing! I said I couldn’t do that but he yelled at me “If you don’t do as I say, don’t even dream of going on stage.” It was my only dream and the words that came out of his mouth rang in my ears for a long time. Friends or dream?

           For that moment, I decided dream and in front of my boss I called my best friend. Her name is EunJi Lee who has a long, red, curly hair and who was the boss of motorcycle gang.

           “What’s up? Aren’t you busy dancing?”

           Her voice stopped me from saying anything else. My boss was frustrated and he grabbed the phone and replied to EunJi.

           “Hey, if I’m right, are you the ‘obstacle’ to the success of Soho?”

           “Huh..excuse me?”

           “Probably you have to study English to understand what ‘obstacle’ means”

          The conversation became very acrimonious. Full of bitter words and sentences, it seemed to last forever. After all, my boss asked me to join other members practicing dance routine.

           After an hour, my boss came to me, saying “The fuss with that lousy girl finally ended!” I don’t know exactly what happened, but I could guess from the nuance of the word ‘lousy’ or ‘fuss’.

           After that disturbance, all I did was the preparation for our come-back. Just reviewing the dance routine, singing, and preparing for the participation in entertainment show. That was all. The dispute, fuss in the expression of my boss no longer exists in my mind. After 3 weeks, our girl group successfully came-back to the stage and to the fans.

           This is a story that I can only write in here, my diary. I never told this story to my parents or my close friends. I couldn’t be honest while hiding this story in my mind, but after all, now I became trouble-freed. Thanks, my diary, for listening my shameful story.

           After I read the diary, I couldn't sleep well. When trying to sleep, the word 'dream' and 'friend' constantly popped into my mind. My friends are quite similar(well, not that troubled...but)..

           What will I choose in a future? Friend? Or my dream?
            Well... I think I'm going to far. I shouldn't think about it for now. Practicing the dance routine is more important than worrying about the vague dilemma.
            Okay, have a good sleep, my diary!